Grow up.

i'm so sick of being told to grow up. & it's not cause i act immature and go around being an idiot. i think it's because people aren't happy with who i am or want to change me or something.. idk. ANYWAYS. i once heard a quote that has stuck with me ever since i heard it:

"to be yourself in a world that is

constantly trying to make you into something else is

the greatest accomplishment"

-ralph waldo emerson

that guy was smart! i love reading things he has said... but this quote is absolutely true. you can't always make everyone happy and most of the time you won't be able to make anyone happy, & that's ok. i have to tell myself that everyday. i've realized how important this time in my life is. when you think about it, it's the only time that i will be able to have time just to myself and focus on what i want to do in the future. so sorry if that doesn't fit into everyones schedules. i can only be myself: i can only be the BEST version of myself or try to be at least. i can try to be as smart as i can, responsible as i can. but in the end, it's still not good enough for some people. oh well. i don't care anymore! what's the point in caring? you truly cannot please everyone because what they want out of you is unreasonable. DO YOUR BEST. and that IS enough. be your best self and that IS amazing.

the point is...

i need to figure all of this life stuff out on my own...

i'm just trying to learn.

but on my own!

the more someone tells me what to do,

the less i want to do it!

i just need to do this on my own,

i need to be myself ,

i need to make my own decisions.

i can't grow up if i'm still being controlled.

if your curious as to what brought this all on... i'm grounded.

yup, on thanksgiving i am grounded. i'm captive in my room till we eat in like 2 hours. actually i don't think i'd be in trouble if i left my room, i kind of just don't want to. oh the joy of being home! haha! i'm supposed to sit in my room and think. THINK about what i'm thankful for & why i was sent to my room... dang it i just realized i'm hungry! i miss being in provo! oh well.. what can ya do? life isn't fair right? i just wish i had my one tree hill seasons with me so i could watch them! my love and obsession for them has been rekindled this week because i have been watching the episodes on tv. (now that i can change the tv to other channels other than abc family)... well i hope everyone else is having a great day with their family!! i guess i'll have to find other ways to entertain myself!... besides homework! haha :]

thanks & giving

i AM THANKFUL FOR:

the sun

weather

i have a car

my dad has a job

he's a hard worker

i am a member of the church of jesus christ of latter day saints

the atonement

clouds

flowers

quotes

inspiration

love

friends

education

jayden

couches

health

family

history

water

summer

technology

medication

there is so much to be thankful for & i'm grateful for a holiday that focuses on the positive! i'm so blessed i can't believe it! i am home for the week and it is so nice to belong to a place that is so familiar and full of love :] family is the most important thing to me ever & i love being around them. although i miss provo at times, and seeing certain people... i'm still glad to be here. PLUS my brother comes home in less than 2 months!!!

ALSO!

i'm debating whether or not to dye my hair brown.

not a dark brown

but a warm brown, closer to red... maybe even red!

i've been blonde my entire life and i've always toyed around with the idea of going dark!

i need to try in sometime in my life & why not now?

i don't know...

no one will give me a very strong opinion on which way would look best

soo i have till friday to decide!

any suggestions?

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

A Belated Halloween!

i love lauren & miss her so much!

don't ask.... hahahahaha

Jayden & I sorta dressed up for a halloween party friday night.. haha k we didn't really.

2 of my favorite people!

sandra d!

BEST FRIENDS!!

i never shared my pics from halloween so here they are :]

my best friend lauren from vegas came up here and me her and her boyfriend danny had

the best weekend ever!!

p.s. i was sandy from greese, lauren was an indian and danny was greek.. we made his costume

from scratch haha

....

halloween night consisted of winger.... which by the way is my new FAVORITE place to eat,

sticky finger quesadilla, perfection!

and then we went to a dance party at the loft with jayden & his friends,

it was honestly the most fun ever!

top 5 best weekends of my life haha.

i can't wait to see lauren again when i go home for thanksgiving :]

BETTER but not best.

i am a lot better in almost every way.

the bad thing is.... i figured out was wrong & what i have to do.

& it's something i've been fighting off for a while,

i really really don't want to do it.

but i know i have to.

i'm glad i have my mom to give me such good advice,

i just have to have faith that what is meant to happen will happen

this could be one of the hardest things i'll have to do.

there is no way around it, i know in the long run it'll be a good thing for me.

i can do this...

in some ways i feel peace for ending the fight within myself,

i pray and pray and pray things will turn out alright.. meaning:

how i want them to

haha, darn my stubborness

well i'm vague for a reason.. sorry.

here's my song of the day.

the stars lean down to kiss

& i lay awake and miss you

pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

cause i'll doze off safe & soundly

but i miss your arms around me...

i'll send a postcard to you dear,

cause i WISH YOU WERE HERE.

i'll watch the night turn light blue

but it's not the same without you

because it takes 2 to whisper quietly..

the silence isn't so bad

till i look at my hands and feel sad,

cause the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit PERFECTLY

i'll find the pose in new ways

though i haven't slept in 2 days

cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone

DRENCHED

in vanilla twilight

i'll sit on the front porch all night

waist deep in thought because when i think of you...

i don't feel so alone.

i don't feel sooo alone.

i don't feel sooooo alone.

AS MANY TIMES AS I BLINK I'LL THINK OF YOU... TONIGHT

when violet eyes get brighter

& heavy wings grow lighter

i'll taste the sky & feel ALIVE again.

and i'll forget the world that i knew, but i swear i won't forget you

oh if my voice could reach into the past i'd whisper in your ear:

"oh darling, i wish you were here... "

one word... PERFECTION

HONESTY...

Soooo...

i know i haven't been the most cheery person lately.

it's quite obvious.

there's been a ton on my mind, & its starting to get to me.

& i'm a quick fix person,

the things that are troubling me aren't fast fixes.

i feel trapped,

by myself, by others & by life.

this all may seem very deep and heavy but as you can tell by the title of today's blog, i'm going to be HONEST.

there are things i have struggled with in the past and may continue to struggle with in the future

all i can try to do is pick myself up

i've been pretty good at that actually,

things can get bad... really bad. but you have to continue each day with new strength

i'm not a pro on this at all obviously.

but all i know is you can't do it alone, and you have to pray your heart out...

IF

you want to get to know me...

all you need to do is look at my playlist.

music is my expression

soooo you'll often find lyrics on my blog.

today has a song .

i can't even describe how perfectly this song expresses me at this moment.

it says all and more than i ever could,

enjoy.

HELP.

i have done it again,

i have been here many times before...

hurt.

myself again today

& the worst is there is no one else to blame

be my friend.

hold me, wrap me up, unfold me.

i am small, & needy.

warm me up

and... BREATHE ME.

OUCH.

i have lost myself again.

lost myself and i am no where to be found,

yet

i think that i might break.

LOST myself again & i feel unsafe,

be my friend... hold me, wrap me up, unfold me, i am small & needy. warm me up

& BREATHE ME

the secret life of daydreams.

i've been feeling super overwhelmed lately.

i feel so much pressure coming from everyone

not only do i put an extreme amount of pressure on myself to be good at everything

but now it's coming from everywhere.

i know how i come off to people, like at times very laid back and probably lazy.

but i'm going crazy inside.

i've always been the type of person that has to be working on something or progressing in some way.. & i'm just stuck.

it sooo annoying & i think i might have a break down soon haha.

i don't like to share negative thoughts or feelings with people so i'm blogging it and i'm not keeping anything from anyone i just don't feel like it's something i should share.

i often feel not good enough, in fact most of the time i don't feel good enough

& i'm sure it is mostly my fault but that's just how it is.

i'm sitting outside of a dance class and it's so hard not to be dancing all the time.

next semester i'm cutting my dancing shorter because i have to get generals and all that jazz done.

& it sucks...

i can't describe what dancing does for me and if i could not very many people could understand it...

hm, maybe the weather is partially effecting my mood? it seems gloomy today

haha not really an excuse.. just sayin.

if you have something to say to me, tease me, make fun of me, put me down, tell what i should be doing or what i'm doing that isn't good enough.

PLEASE!

keep it to yourself.

chances are i already know and i'm 10x harder on myself than what you have to say.

and if you don't mean it & think it's just funny to tease me.

DONT.

it's not a good day for that, cause i will take it personally.

i already know all the ways i could have been better!

thanks, have a GREAT day!

speak to me mozella.

it's almost like you had it planned

it's like you smiled & shook my hand

& said "hey i'm about to SCREW you over big time"

& what was i supposed to do ?

i was stuck in between you and a hard place.

we won't talk about the hard place.

but i don't blame you anymore

that's too much pain to store

it left me HALF dead...

inside my head.

& boy, looking back i see ... i'm NOT the girl i used to be,

when i lost my mind... it saved my life.

it's how you want it to be

it's like you played a joke on me

& i lost a friend...

in the end.

& i think that i cried for days

but now that seems light years away.

& i'm NEVER going back...

to who i WAS.