happily ever after ♥

" alot has happened - and most of it is not anything i expected or how things would turn out. i don't understand it all really. i just want CLARiTY & i'm learning not to be afraid of my feelings & to explore them.. even if they aren't pleasant, even if i'm AFRAiD of the truth. you can't hide from them. you need to accept them & pick yourself up .. then move on. easier said then done of course but it's all a learning experience. it's a journey and that's why we're here. i gave my life to someone that gave it AWAY- away not back because i will never have that life back. NEVER. that is a feeling i shy away from ... it's so... permanent. & it scares me to believe that but it's true. i can't look back anymore only forward- because forward is my life now... it's what it is now & how i will shape it. it feels empty & lonely at times but i turn my heart to God and he mends it for a while. He is like the perfect best friend."

this came straight from my journal. i've done so much learning and thinking lately.
& it's amazing what i have found.

the gospel is so magical, i wish everyone could understand the deep & infinite love Heavenly Father has
for everyone... how much He knows, how much He cares. He truly knows absolutely everything that
you fear, love, care about, want, and so on... i could go on forever. there is so much more i have learned.

it is ok to struggle and be afraid and cry...
it will all be ok.
because there is already a much much better plan unfolding in your life that God has prepared for you.
there are glimpses of light on the street corners in your life.
find them... people are sent to you on purpose..
nothing is coincidence

Even if you cannot always see that silver lining on your clouds, God can, for He is the
very source of the light you seek. he does love you, and He knows your fears. He hears
your prayers . He is your Heavenly Father, and surely He matches with His own the tears
His children shed. - Jeffery R. Holland.

i'm a quote addict and there are so many more to come,
but in the end...
i know what i want.

"if i am deciding who i want to spend eternity with i want someone who can't see a life without me, & who fights for me, & who would chase me if i walked away. i'm taking my heart back one sliver at a time & i will be all the things i want to be... but my mind will keep my heart in check because when i fall in love again, when i find my forever... He will care much too deeply about me, he'll think about how i'm doing all the time, he would never let me go, & believe with all his heart that every part of me is extraordinary & he is lucky. someday I WiLL FiND THiS..."

this is my happily ever after.... :]
the end.

TO: ...... LOVE: ME

Complete and total adoration,
My gift to you, my heart was yours.
In ten weeks you shaped it,
In one night you murdered it.
Torn from my chest and laid at your feet,
That first step you took was the worst.
Since then you've walked a thousand miles in silence and short remark,
I still have these memories,
But we'll never see what we could have been.
Remember when we talked about where we'd be a year from now?
Remember when you held my hand like you'd never let it go?
Remember, cause that's all you can do.
We'll never make another memory,
We'll never make another memory.
I wish I'd have died in your arms the last time we were together,
So I wouldn't have to wake without you today.
This time I thought things were real.
You said they were, what happened?
You were a priority, was I an option?
I let you see a side of me that I don't share with anyone.
Promises are just words unless they are fulfilled.
you knew from the beginning all I had to offer you was my heart,
I'm sorry that wasn't enough.
So, we'll go our own ways,
And hopefully you'll remember the things I've told you,
Hopefully you'll understand that everything I said was in sincerity.
A broken heart is not what I wanted from this,
But I guess I've learned from it.
But aren't you supposed to learn from your mistakes?
I don't consider this a mistake,
I just wish the story didn't end this way,
Cause I'm still in love with the person who helped me write it.
Remember when you held my hand like you'd never let it go?
Remember when we talked about where we'd be a year from now?

the sun & the rain.

i could go back... to every laugh
but i don't wanna go there anymore
& i know all the steps, up to your door
but i don't wanna go there anymore

talk to the wind, talk to the sky,
talk to the man with the reasons why...
let me know what you find.

i'll leave my window open.
cause i'm too tired at night to call your name,
just know i'm right here hoping
that you'll come in with the rain.

i could stand up & sing you a song.
but i don't wanna have to go that far,
& i... i've got you down. i know you by heart ♥
but you don't even know where i start.

talk to yourself, talk to the tears.
talk to the man who put you here.
don't wait for the sky to clear.

i'll leave my window open
cause i'm too tired at night to call your name,
just know i'm right here wait hoping
that you'll come in with the rain.

i've watched you, i've screamed your name
i don't know what else i can say...

just know i'm right here hoping, you'll come in with the rain.

i could go back to every laugh..
but i don't wanna go there anymore.

glimpses

do you want a glimpse into my life?? from the start i have said i am not good with words, that is why you will ALWAYS find quotes or lyrics on my blog. it just says everything i can't. i am a passionate person. i know that for sure. but most the time i have tons of different emotions running through my head i don't even know where to start! what to say, how to say it. all that good stuff. i was reading this person's blog who i know as more of an acquaintance but i relate to her soo much. she was writing down some advice about a tough time her friend was going through. i read it and i couldn't believe it. it was like she was writing exactly to me. how does she say things so well?
anyways... it expressed everything i want or could say about my life and feelings at the moment... it gave me clarity. i need that. nothing is sure to me right now. clarity......
enjoy.



"i'm not gonna paint you a picture of time heals all wounds and the classic "meant to be" bull. It will hurt, you will feel like you are drowning and you are desperately gasping for air. You will walk around feeling a crack down the center of your chest and like there are literally chunks missing from your body. It will be heavy and hard to breathe at times. Nights are the worst so try and sleep...but if you cant and you need to scream its okay...scream.. The thought of driving away and disappearing will be enticing. You will often drive with no destination, with tears fogging your eyes and music blaring. You will feel a wide range of extremes from being angry, numb, broken and then sometimes... "okay". Your throat will tighten and burn when you fight back tears in public and you will get good at putting on a brave face. Then you will have days out of no where you are crying in the middle of applebees and its okay. Its okay to say you are broken, cause right now you are. When you think it cant get any worse....cant hurt anymore, it will.
But.....your name holds honor. You will be blessed in so many ways and find things to be proud of yourself for through this trial. Bright spots will be placed in your path and take the time to enjoy them. Those tender mercies are the times you need to remember when its too heavy and you dont know if you can stand anymore. Just buckle your knees and stand because it will be okay...just not yet."


there you go. now you know.
that's just all i wanted to say.

dayDREAMs

one of my amateur creations!

i edit pictures for fun on my macbook, it's something fun to do when i'm bored!

taylor swift came out with a few new songs

music does something for me

so does dance & pictures

i was listening to untouchable when editing this picture

i was missing someone,

but a line that goes along with this picture:

"i am no one special, just another wide-eyed girl whos desperately in love with you"

taylor swift is amazing for one huge reason.

her lyrics... they are so personal & passionate. i love them!

i never know how to describe myself or feelings. she does a lot of it for me!

hey there,

i really haven't written for a while. or so it feels.

i'm home for the holidays,

escaping the cold feels just fabulous!

my hair has changed a bit because i'm slowly working my way back to blonde

(as you can see from the picture above)

well... i've been daydreaming a lot & also discovering new music

so i've felt inspired lately.

i've been very thoughtful about the future and my options

i haven't come to any conclusions yet.

guess what??

my brother comes home from his mission in 1 month from tomorrow.

WOW!

i can't believe it i really can't.

i miss him sooo much.

SOOOO much!

i read such an amazing quote today at church:

"Lord, help me remember that nothing is going to happen to me today that you & i can't get through together."

don't you love it?

it's very comforting.

i decided the future & growing up is scary.

everything is so secure when you are living at home.

not anymore though! but it's ok.

it's supposed to be this way, and i wouldn't want it any different.

besides, Heavenly Father is with you every step of the way.

i've really been learning lately how much He loves everyone individually and cares about each struggle you go through & how much He wants to help you through them.

the Lord is always on your side.

that's also comforting!

I recently reread one of my favorite books

the truth about forever

it's so amazing

Sarah Dessen wrote it.

i have almost all her books. i'm working on the collection!

anyways, i love it because its about not having everything perfect.

somethings are meant to be imperfect.

you work around them and through them and appreciate flaws

i think people these days kill themselves trying to be better & better

don't get me wrong improving yourself is important and working towards

goals is VERY VERY important.

but i'm talking about ridiculous goals that cannot be reached

comparing yourself to other people

holding your value in the hands of the world and not God.

EVERYone is special, i know it.

it's hard to remember, i know this as well.

but when it comes down to it....

there is a magic in everyone that cannot be replaced or repeated.

i don't care what anyone says that is TRUE.

i need to take my own advice sometimes!

don't we all?

the hardest part: discovering what my magic is & where it lies.

i have a lot of thoughts like these running through my head constantly

i analyze and reanalyze my life all the time

what am i doing with my life,

where is it going,

who is very important to keep in my life

what means most to me

where my heart lies

what i could do better in

what kind of person/friend i am

la la la la la la la la la la la

i'd say its overwhelming but i don't like complaining

then i'd notice that i need to improve in that.

here is where the truth about forever comes in

accepting the imperfections of my character & finding the people..

that love to be around you without wanting to change you

that love you for who you are and not for the person they want you to be

i am much too concerned with working on my own flaws

& improving myself

to have other people point it out to me.

when it comes down to it

what i want..

is to be with someone,

who ultimately feels lucky to be with me, for me.

just as i am.

i want to go to bed at the end of the day knowing i was myself.

that's the most rewarding feeling of all.

i HAD A DREAM

i was a little girl alone in my little world

who dreamed of a little home for me..

i played pretend between the trees & fed my house guest bark & leaves

& laughed in my pretty bed of greens.

i had a dream.

that i could fly from the highest swing,

i had a dream.

long walks in the dark, through woods grown behind the park

i asked God who i'm supposed to be.

the stars smiled down on me,

God answered in silent reverie

i said a prayer

& fell asleep.

i had a dream

that i could fly from the highest tree,

i had a dream.

now i'm old & feeling gray.

i don't know what's left to say about this life i'm willing to leave.

i lived it full, i lived it well

as many tales as i lived to tell,

i'm ready now... i'm ready now.

to fly from the highest wing.

i had a dream...

♥

p.s. i went dark!

i've thought about doing it for a while & i finally did.

i like it, it's a fun change but i'm going back blonde in a month haha

i wanna have blonde hair when my brother gets home which is in 1 month & 13 days!!!

NEW obsession... :]

new favorite song. of course :] i just wish i could bring it to life!

i always thought that you & me was something i'd never see.. too good to be true

but i learned a lot about myself, about the world, about life &

i learned it all from you

take me away

take me everywhere you go

before i wake up next to you, there's something you should know

i cant walk on water, and i can't calm the sea

i'm so incapable of so many things...

but i can love you forever

& that's all we need

my hands are tied with weakness

& tainted with imperfection... i'll try so hard not to let you down

but i'm only human and theres so much i can't do

take me away..

take me everywhere you go..

before i wake up next to you there's something you should know

i can't walk on water & i can't calm the sea

i'm so incapable of so many things...

but i can love you forever

& that's all we need

i always thought about you & me.

& i learned a lot... & i learned it all from you.

the things that i would do,

to wake up next to you... but you need to know.

i'm tainted with imperfection, i'm stripped of recollection

of anything & anyone , at anytime... before i met you.

to think if i would not have met you.

it JUST isn't right.

to think about my life without you

without you, i'd die.

i can't walk on water

but when it comes to you & me

having each other is all we need.

the future goes unseen but it holds you next to me,

through the good times & the bad.

cause that's where i stand.

i can't walk on water & i can't calm the sea

i'm so incapable of so many things...

but i can love you forever

& that's all we need